There Is More to People Than What You See - World Mental Health Day Tribute

A lot of people don’t have it together.

Around the world. But since I focus much of my work on Africa, let’s talk about us.

Across Africa, many people are trying to figure life out while carrying more than others can see. Yet we sometimes expect them to move through all of it without showing any signs of struggle.

Go to school. Get good grades. Find a job. Make money. Support your family. Get married. Be successful.

These expectations do not arrive separately. Sometimes they arrive all at once, while a person is already dealing with problems nobody knows about. And when they begin to struggle, we notice that their grades have dropped, that they are withdrawn, or that they seem angry. We do not always ask what happened before we noticed.

Today, on World Mental Health Day, that is what I want us to consider: how much of someone’s life do we actually understand before we judge how they are handling it?

Our struggles did not all begin today

Colonialism has been on my lips lately.

Much of Africa experienced European colonial rule—a history involving subjugation and oppression, not simply a change in who administered a territory.[1]

That history cannot explain every mental-health problem, and Africa is not one uniform experience. But I keep thinking about how it shapes what we consider valuable, acceptable and worthy of respect.

Our hair, for example. Our hair is part of our identity, our culture. Yet someone can look at it and decide it is not “professional” or “neat.”

Lol. According to whom?

What looks like a small request to change a hairstyle can feel very different to the person being asked to change it. When parts of your identity are repeatedly treated as unacceptable, it can affect how you see yourself and where you believe you belong.

Some pressures come from the histories we inherit. Others come from the conditions we live in today. Either way, they follow people into their classrooms, workplaces and relationships.

Think about the pressures of everyday survival. No job. Little internet access. Difficulty finding enough to eat. Unpaid bills. A future you cannot confidently plan for.

These are not just economic conversations. They are things people wake up with, carry through the day, and take to bed at night.

The World Health Organization identifies poverty, violence, inequality and deprivation among the factors that can increase the risk of mental-health conditions. It also makes clear that no single factor reliably predicts someone’s mental-health outcome.[2]

That distinction matters. Two people can face a similar problem and find it very different to come out of. We may not know what either person was carrying before the problem arrived, or what support they had when it did.

Yet we sometimes look at one and ask, “Why can’t you handle it like the other person?”

What are we actually talking about?

Rethink Mental Illness describes mental health as our emotional, psychological and social wellbeing. It affects how we think, feel and act, how we handle stress, how we relate to people and how we make choices.[3]

So mental health is not something only a few people have. We all have it, although not everyone experiences a mental illness.[4]

This is why I find the biopsychosocial perspective useful: it asks us to consider our bodies, our minds and our surroundings together. What is happening within someone matters, but so do the conditions in which they live. WHO similarly describes mental health as shaped by interacting individual, social and structural factors.[2]

We cannot always tell someone to change their attitude while ignoring what they are living through. And we cannot assume their struggle began at the moment it became visible to us.

Imagine a student who is falling behind academically.

There are problems at home. She struggles to concentrate, but nobody asks why. Her results become the main thing people see.

Years later, she is looking for work, and things are not going well. Her family begins to pressure her to marry someone wealthy. Perhaps that will make life better for everyone.

Eventually, she does. Her family is more comfortable, and from the outside, she appears to be doing well. She has done the “right thing.”

People congratulate her. When they ask how she is, she says she is fine. She does not know how to explain that the life everyone is celebrating does not feel like her own.

She loves her family, but she also wants room for her own dreams. She is unhappy and does not know who she can tell without seeming ungrateful.

Someone meeting her now might see only the comfortable life. They might not see the child who struggled long before she arrived there.

Her future is not fixed by these experiences. But adversity can accumulate, and experiences in childhood can affect mental health later in life.[2]

Sometimes what you are seeing today has roots way, way back—when the person was just a student. When they were just a child.

We see the behaviour. We miss the person.

People see someone’s anger as just anger issues. They see someone who cries over little things as weak. They shame those who get afraid.

Then we wonder why people don’t talk.

Why would someone open up if they expect to be mocked, dismissed or turned into a topic of conversation? They may decide it is easier to keep quiet, even when they need support.

Your co-worker may have had a difficult day at home. Unpaid bills are piling up. Uncertainty is creeping in. A feeling of failure is running deep. Fear of the future is making it difficult to take the next step.

You see someone distracted. You do not see what it took for them to show up.

Understanding this does not mean excusing harmful behaviour. We can hold people accountable without humiliating them. We can address what happened while still asking what support they need.

And sometimes we need to extend that same understanding to ourselves.

I believe in developing yourself. I believe in learning, building and discovering what you are capable of. But sometimes we want success faster, and on a much grander scale. We begin to treat every delay as evidence of failure.

The late timing of things does not make you a failure. How grand your success is does not define you.

Have great ambition, but be careful how hard you are on yourself.

When I say, “You are enough,” I do not mean you have nothing left to learn. I mean you do not have to earn the right to be treated with care.

You are human. Your pace does not determine your worth. You deserve support while you find your way.

What support can look like

Honestly, it can be hard to know what to say to someone who is struggling. You cannot assume you fully understand what they are going through, and a comforting sentence cannot carry the weight of every situation.

But you can begin by listening.

Sometimes all we need to do is listen more, and we will notice more things than ever before. Ask questions to understand, not to interrogate.

“What has been hardest lately?”

“Would you like me to listen, or help you think through what to do?”

“Is there something practical I can help with?”

You do not need to have an answer ready for everything they say. Give them time. An open question and a willingness to hear the answer can help them talk about what they are experiencing.[5]

Of course, supporting someone is not always easy. Sometimes they pull away. Sometimes they reject your help. You may care deeply, but the way you are trying to help feels too aggressive for them.

So I don’t push. I let them know I’m there.

My hand is stretched out for when they need to talk, when they need help, and when they feel weak and overpowered. I try to give them the environment and space to come to me.

Giving them space does not mean disappearing. Check in again. Offer practical help. Let them know you can help them find professional support when they are ready. Unless there is an immediate safety concern, do not turn your wish to help into pressure to speak or act before they are ready.[6]

And don’t betray them. DON’T.

Do not turn what they shared into gossip. Do not use it against them later. Do not make them regret trusting you.

If you cannot help, kindly do not worsen it.

There is an important exception to keeping things private: immediate danger. If someone may act on suicidal thoughts, seek urgent help rather than promising secrecy. Asking directly about suicide does not cause someone to act on it. WHO advises seeking emergency or professional help and not leaving someone alone when they are in immediate danger.[7]

And remember that you are human too. You can care without becoming someone’s only source of help, and without accepting mistreatment. Having boundaries does not make your care less genuine. You need support too.[6]

If you are the one struggling

You do not have to explain everything perfectly before asking for help.

“I haven’t been doing well lately” is a beginning.

“I need someone to listen” is a beginning.

Choose someone you trust, and tell them what you can. Let them know whether you need company, practical assistance, or help finding care.

If the struggle keeps returning, gets worse, or makes daily life difficult, please speak with a qualified health professional. You can start with a doctor or primary-care clinic and ask about mental-health support. Friends, family, faith and community may help you through, but they do not have to carry the entire responsibility for your care.[5]

I know finding care is not equally easy for everyone. Cost, distance and knowing where to begin can become another burden. If you are supporting someone, helping them identify an accessible service can be more useful than simply telling them to get help.

For readers in Nigeria, Mentally Aware Nigeria Initiative (MANI) provides counselling support and reports offering free counselling sessions. Its website is a place to begin exploring support; check its current contact options and availability. Do not wait for a counselling response if you are in immediate danger.[1]

You also do not have to solve your career, finances, relationships and future in one evening. Make the next step manageable. Perhaps it is a conversation. Perhaps it is an appointment. Perhaps it is asking someone to help with a responsibility that has become overwhelming.

If you think you may act on thoughts of suicide or seriously harm yourself, seek urgent help through local emergency services or the nearest emergency department. Tell someone you trust and ask them to stay with you while you get help.[7]

I cannot promise when everything will make sense. But I want you to know that you do not have to carry it all alone.

Do not be afraid to love. Do not be afraid to be loved. And do not underestimate who you are.

The people we are developing are human

As a youth development leader, I cannot talk only about skills, careers, businesses and opportunities. The people pursuing those things have lives we may know very little about.

Some are trying to learn while carrying fear. Some are looking for work while feeling worthless. Some are building while quietly struggling to cope.

Developing young Africans must include making room for their wellbeing: listening to them, reducing shame, and helping them access appropriate support. Their wellbeing matters beyond what they may achieve.

A lot of people don’t have it together. We do not need to shame them into pretending they do.

Today, start with someone close to you. Ask how they are doing—and make enough room for an honest answer.